At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
be right there i have to get my cape
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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