Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
