is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
