I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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