my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Randomize
