I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
it hurts more in the daytime
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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