my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
