Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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