Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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