jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
