You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
