Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
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Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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