I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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