Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
