Texts From Last Night

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  (907): View more from Alaska

  He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.

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  (907): He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED. http://tfl.nu/5p57
  Replies (10) Good night (2530) Bad night (875)
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  (716): View more from New York

  All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.

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  (716): All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world. http://tfl.nu/xqix
  Replies (10) Good night (1011) Bad night (2107)
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse

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  (702): And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse http://tfl.nu/oibh
  Replies (11) Good night (1406) Bad night (3313)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.

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  (201): you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time. http://tfl.nu/39ft
  Replies (28) Good night (2005) Bad night (3162)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.

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  (248): Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn. http://tfl.nu/n0iu
  Replies (8) Good night (3105) Bad night (771)
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".

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  (415): Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed". http://tfl.nu/ptkf
  Replies (54) Good night (8201) Bad night (3470)
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high

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  (724): I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high http://tfl.nu/9wko
  Replies (23) Good night (1257) Bad night (6530)
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.

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  (302): because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride. http://tfl.nu/wwvv
  Replies (10) Good night (1180) Bad night (3826)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?

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  (913): high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life? http://tfl.nu/lv3r
  Replies (10) Good night (3723) Bad night (995)
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?

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  (815): Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes? http://tfl.nu/tg6b
  Replies (6) Good night (2527) Bad night (870)
• Favorite

  (602): View more from Arizona

  JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.

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  (602): JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS. http://tfl.nu/m8yh
  Replies (10) Good night (1457) Bad night (849)
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces

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  (407): If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces http://tfl.nu/di36
  Replies (3) Good night (304) Bad night (446)
• Favorite

  (276): View more from Virginia

  I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me

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  (276): I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me http://tfl.nu/m1mj
  Replies (1) Good night (976) Bad night (351)
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I think that would solve a million problems

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  (774): I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining (508): I think that would solve a million problems http://tfl.nu/0h1f
  Replies (3) Good night (928) Bad night (291)
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.

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  (508): It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news. http://tfl.nu/vv9l
  Replies (0) Good night (399) Bad night (297)

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