I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
