How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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