my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
