Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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