since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
