then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
