I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
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There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
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Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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