I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
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I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
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I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize