i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
