I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
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