I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
