i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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