i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
