my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
