Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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