Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
