i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.