Moan for me like Helen Keller
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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