New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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