sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
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