I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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