why didn't you poke me back
I smell stomach acid.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
