I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i was born a porn star she said
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
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