a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
