Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
