I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
