my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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