i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
