please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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