We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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