I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I can text with my tongue
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.â€
Randomize
