What a fucking waste of an outfit
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
