the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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