I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
