omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
