Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
