i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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