btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
