Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
