Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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