she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
